Self Reliance Day 1

Gwen Bell – 15 Minutes to Live

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

So here it goes. The story that needs told is about the transition that I have put myself through. I thought at first that this transition was due to living overseas and away from my family. But over the last few months I have realized that the transition is a result of my questioning everything that I believed made me happy. My daughter, the love of my life and best friend, my career. Until the last few years, I have accepted the idea that if I worked hard enough and long enough that I would succeed and BE HAPPY. But is that true? When I started questioning that truth I found cracks. And the cracks became holes. Holes that are now very difficult to fill. But I am not a quitter so I have spent some time thinking about how I got here and why what I thought would make me happy is not.

So what have I found? 

I found that going to a job every day to make money to spend doing things to make me happy does not make me happy. Lesson #1: Work every day at something you love. It is a simple value proprosition: if the cost of making money outweighs the benefit, you will not be happy. Nothing enlightening in this statement other than no matter how many times you are told this, you still have to make decisions which support it. 

On being a good mother. When Natalie was born, I wrote a new #1 Life Goal: be the best Mother I could be. And I think I have done that. I have shortcomings, but I know that I give it my best almost every day. BUT... I never considered the cost of this goal. To be the best mother I had to give up time for self reflection on my own happiness. Not completely, but enough. I traded true happiness for other, more superficial happiness replacements such as Girls Trips and Nights Out (don't despair BFF's, I still love you). But I lost the ability to look inside myself and find my own happiness. I have had to share that and weigh it against the GOAL. Recognition of this is was fundamental for me. Now I have to fix it...

Last, I had to assess what happened to my Best Friend, who for so long was the love of my life as well. I lost that when I quit working and had to DEPEND on my Best Friend for everything but childcare. I see now that this is related to the first two revelations. It is my last HAPPINESS BARRIER to deal with. Focus Shelly...