Dinner with Ayi

First of all, before describing the events of last night, let me explain the term Ayi. Ayi literally means "Aunt" in Mandarin. But is used generally as a term of respect for any Chinese woman older than yourself who you don't know by name. To make it more complicated though, Ayi is the general nomenclature used to describe domestic help. We don't use the term "maid", there is no such word in Mandarin really. So our world is filled with Ayi's: cleaning our street, monitors on the school bus, and term we use for Zhang Cai Zhen who comes to our house every week day and adores Natalie. So why not an English name like Jenny or Sally like other Ayi's use? She doesn't have an English name and never felt compelled to adopt one. SO why not call her Zhang Cai Zhen? First reason is that Zhang Cai Zhen contains 'zh' and 'c' which are the hardest sounds (characters) to pronounce. Secondly, she prefers Ayi! OK, got it?

Ayi's son  is getting married on June 19. In actuality, they are already married. (see picture with Natalie to the right) June 19 is simply the wedding. It is common for Chinese couples to do this. [It is actually interesting to compare and contrast the differences between a religious-based marriage versus a "cultural-based" one. I quoted that as I am not really sure how to refer to the Chinese practices for taking on a partner. But that is another blog for another day!] Unfortunately, Natalie and I will both be in the U.S. for summer holiday on that day. Ayi originally wanted us to change our flights, it is that important to her. But after she and I discussed, we compromised. Tom would represent the Bramer's at the wedding and we would all go to dinner before hand. So why is this so important? For Ayi and her family, we are a major source of income. Her husband is only working part-time due to a heart condition. Her son does have a good job, but he probably makes the same only by working many more hours. When we first hired her, she was still paying of significant medical bills for surgery her son had two years earlier. So, we are treated with utmost respect from both the groom and bride's family. I find that totally embarrassing. It feels like this respect carries with it responsibilities for which we are not qualified to perform. Growing up at the bottom of the middle-class in the U.S. does not prepare you for the idea of another non-family person being dependent on you for their welfare. Capitalism usually puts a "human resource" structure in place to shield us from that at our jobs.

Last night we went to a local Shanghaise restaurant. There were to be nine of us in total, three from each family. As we pulled up in our chauffeured van, our guests were securing their bicycles out front. Awkward. We greeted each other, but there were no real introductions. It's like they know that foreigners cannot pronounce or remember names so they let us keep face by skipping that whole procedure. We headed into the resteraunt. It appeared that we might have been the ONLY foreigners ever to enter this place, we had a group of three escorts walk us up and into our private dining room. The first test was the seating arrangements. In Chinese culture, it is standard that the most important person should sit in the chair facing the door. We knew that it was probably going to be Tom, but he attempted to defer to the Ayi's son to show our respect. After about 2 minutes, they (we did not participate) worked out who should sit where. And yes, Tom became the "The Man".

Ah, now the menu! I was hoping for a restaurant where we could pre-order. Then we could have had some help to navigate the customs that might (or might not ) be associated with certain dishes. I made the Ayi help me and considering hoe much chatter she invoked while studying the menu, I am sure I would not have been successful by myself. After much debate, we agree to 6 cold dishes. One dish was a Sashimi combo, which probably offended all of them (they eat nothing that is not cooked!), but had to make sure Natalie had something to eat! Rest of the dishes were not too strange, some pork tongue, but everyone eats that, right?  Now to pick the main dishes. Our cold dishes all arrived before we finished ordering! We had 8 main dishes.   The choice was probably 8 or 88 as 8 is the lucky number for Chinese. Duck, eggplant with pork, beef with peppers, noodles, tofu with chicken, pig skin and pork, mushrooms and cauliflower, and baozi (of course). Tom was lucky enough to get the first choice of every dish. Natalie's plate was filled as everyone kept selecting choice bites and putting on her plate. I sat back and enjoyed. Each dish which was placed on the table introduced Chinese chatter about the good and bad points of that particular dish. I am still amazed at how a meal in a restaurant becomes a complete gastronomical debate!

As Ayi and I were ordering, Tom was asked to partake in the symbolic smoking of the peace pipe. In this case, a Zhong Nan Hai Liu Shui Yin, one of the post expensive brands of cigarettes you can buy! I couldn't take pictures as it seemed rude. But let me tell you, Tom is definitely not a smoker! He looked a bit like a girl puffing on it. Natalie was impressed though at his ability to make smoke come out his nose! She thought it was a trick and demanded another explanation this morning after breakfast. Later after eating, he smoked another. Still no good! Luckily the Baijiu drinking was not required last night. Anyway, he was picking up the bill, so I guess he earned the smokes!

The conversation was a bit limited. Our guests spoke mostly Shanghai-ise to each other, so it was hard to follow. Mostly the conversation revolved around Natalie and how beautiful she was. Seemed there was also some discussion about a child whose eye was almost poked out by another child with a chopstick. Guess that is the American "running with scissors" analogy.  Natalie thought the "father-in-law" was loud (see he and his wife with Natalie on the left). And he was, but in a funny way. He would yell out something in Mandarin (I think) to Natalie and she would respond "Wo bu jidao" which means "I don't know". This would make them all laugh. She didn't think it was very funny. Soon  it was time to pack up and head home. They gave us gifts, including a box of Lipton black tea, which Ayi uses to make iced tea for Tom every day. And lots of candy. Plus a set of soap dishes and towels for our bathroom.  Out total bill came to about 900RMB, about $131. Fed a group of 9. Not bad. Cheaper per person than a single entrée at Outback.

Overall it was a wonderful evening, though we all ate too much and a few of us smoked too much. Going out with local Chinese reminded me why I love China. The respect and love that they can give to even strangers who are not outsiders can be overwhelming to Americans. I sense that Natalie has an easier time accepting the attention and appreciation. She is still trusts that people do things for good reasons. As an adult, that is not always our first reaction. In fact, I am sure there are people who will read this blog and assume that we are being treated nicely only to ensure long-term future employment for one individual. But I am learning not to see it that way at all. It is simply true appreciation. Not a Hallmark card. Nothing insincere at all. One definition of appreciation is "a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive". Isn't that we expect appreciation to be? So, thanks to Ayi and her family and friends for helping us experience such a great evening!