I may have some issues when I return to the U.S.

Stolen from Rupert Pupkin – Shanghai Talk March 2009

Expatriate executives now live in constant fear of repatriation. And just as orientation companies popped up a decade ago to help them adjust to life in China, a new industry has sprung up around reverse migration. Psychologists and relocation experts are standing up to help executives and their families re-adjust to life in the West. The following illustrates some challenges faced by expat executives when the day comes to kiss the Buddha goodbye.

1) The Marriage Afterward
It is not uncommon for the repatriated executive to feel a deep sense of marital dissatisfaction upon his return to the West. He will frequently daydream about the attentive and attractive young women he came into contact with here, and how his life might’ve turned out differently had he run off with the tall one who liked to role-play. A cache of exotic downloaded images in his computer (deceptively titled “TaxForms.doc.07”) provides some solace until his wife discovers it and forces him into therapy. He stays in the marriage for the sake of the kids, but he’s rarely at home, preferring instead a back booth at a local Chinese restaurant where he does crosswords and flirts with the Fujianese waitress.
2) Relations with Friends
After expressing initial interest in his tales from the East, friends grow weary of his almost constant reference to bai jiu and how much of it he consumed at official banquets. Similarly, old acquaintances find it odd that a man of his age constantly text messages. When he wrestles with a friend to prevent him from paying a restaurant check, he is stunned when the friend readily concedes. When the neighbors invite him over for coffee, he averts his eyes and thinks they’re up to something. Close friends, concerned about his depression, suggest he start a support group for other recovering expatriates who can sit around sharing the pain of losing their mini-van drivers.
3) Pharmacy Visits
Upon entering a pharmacy at home, the re-pat starts to feel anxious and apprehensive. The absence of unfriendly middle-aged women in white smocks is enough to unnerve any old China hand. The sheer variety of products makes him dizzy and he begins to titter nervously in the deodorant section. He is astounded at the convenience of being able to pay for purchases without having to seek out a cashier in another part of the store.
4) Golf Withdrawal
As he sits in his den staring out the window, idling away the unemployed hours, his thoughts often turn to golf. His eyes get misty as he recalls his caddy, a four foot tall provincial woman, head wrapped in a sun bonnet, who washed his balls. His limbs begin to spasm involuntarily as he recalls one glorious day when he prevailed over a particularly arrogant Taiwanese client. His set of fake Callaway clubs is slumped in the corner waiting to be sold at a yard sale.
5) Driving and Smoking Laws
Ignoring a voice in his head that suggests he find a regular parking space, the recently repatriated executive will drive onto the sidewalk in front of his destination and park two inches from the door. Though the car is not on an incline, he wrenches up the emergency brake. To get here, he has run three red lights, raced through a school zone, and sent scores of text messages. If he is stopped by police, he will inform them that he has guanxi with the deputy mayor. They will arrest him. He is not unknown to the police; since his return, he has been detained 19 times for smoking in restaurants. During the detentions, he rants about the lack of personal freedom in the West. He forces cigarettes on everyone he meets and brags about how much they cost.
6) Phantom Aches
Though in fine physical shape, the returnee will experience mysterious body aches. During these episodes his muscles will spasms and he may even get a painful and involuntary erection. Physiotherapists believe that the condition is related to the sudden cessation of oil massages
7) Feelings, Honesty, Human Interactions
Accustomed to suppressing his true feelings, the re-pat finds himself at a disadvantage in a society obsessed with emotional health. Everywhere he turns, people are outing themselves, laughing about their character defects, broadcasting their most intimate thoughts on Television. He is embarrassed for them. When a gas station attendant asks how he is doing, he sees it as a rhetorical question and he grunts. When strangers smile at him on the street, he grimaces and quickens his pace. At job interviews, he sits modestly with his hands in his lap until he is dismissed as a dullard.
8) Saving and Losing Face
At a dinner party with friends, his wife, who by now is in secret talks with a divorce lawyer, recounts an embarrassing story about her husband’s irritable bowel. He recoils in terror. He has completely lost his ability to poke fun at himself and sulks like a child. When his young son forgets his lines in a school play, he slips into the parking lot for a smoke rather than face the other parents. When loudly informed by a bank teller that his account is in negative territory, he smiles and thanks her profusely while pretending to place a wad of imaginary cash in his breast pockets for the benefit of those in line behind him.

It can take many years to re-adjust to life in the West. Some never regain their ability to tip. Others struggle with odd cravings for stinky tofu. But over time the re-pat recovers and goes on to live a productive life, though he may never quite shake the feeling that part of his soul remains in the East.